clap on, my brother

I had a talk with a fellow Alex tonight and we decided that we're going to propose a new individualized major at Grand View University. This new major is going to be called "Clapping Assistance/Support."
This may sound like a joke, but if you think that then you are probably a joke and your whole family would most likely agree with this statement because they are giving me full support in this endeavor.

Clapping Assistance/Support majors will change the world. They will change people's lives for the better one life at a time. Clapping is a form of encouragement and support, and that's what people need in today's cruel, cold, harsh world. How many other already established majors can accomplish this? Not math. Not history. Not physics. Those just make people miserable.

To explain this new, life-changing major in more detail, I will break it up into two categories: Support and Assistance.


--Support

Clapping support is basically composed of what it sounds like; you support other people when they clap to create an environment that would be considered "supportive" to the person you are clapping for. When someone does something that is to be commended and/or greatly appreciated, they want a thunderous applause, not a few golf claps here and there.

--Assistance

Again, it is as it sounds. You assist those who can't express their emotions any further, but wish to. You will assist them in letting whomever-it-may-be know that they are very, very enjoyed/appreciated/loved. You can't overpower the one your are assisting or it defeats the whole purpose. You simply help push that person you are assisting to their clapping limit while holding yourself back to a level just below theirs, putting the focus on them and creating a spotlight effect for them. There is an art to this. You will learn it.


Now it's not as simple as it may sound in the above categories. That's barely a summary. There is MUCH more to clapping than most people realize.

There is an etiquette involved. For instance, is it polite to clap at a funeral? Most would obviously say no, but that is false. Clapping is usually an important part of any event-- even funerals. You will learn how this is true by taking the classes (classes is plural because the etiquette involved in clapping professionally is too vast a subject to learn in just one year).

There is also much to learn about various styles of clapping. There are different styles of clapping for different events, and there are literally hundreds of styles that will be taught. This is very demanding, as one would not want to accidentally use the wrong clap at the wrong time. It can be and has been proven to be disastrous. Many people have been ostracized by entire communities, banned from events, even disowned by their family because they used the wrong style of clapping at the wrong time.

Don't be fooled, though. Clapping doesn't have to be a dangerous thing. In fact, it is quite the opposite! Clapping is one of the most glorious ways to express emotion. It can do what words cannot (Think about it. Just go ahead and try to sum up what a single clap means. I dare you). Taking these courses and pursuing this major isn't pointless. It's the first huge leap towards creating a better future for yourself and everyone you will come in contact with. Become a Clapping Assistance/Support major today and become that change the world needs.

To modify (and improve) what the great George Clinton (funk legend) once said, "Go forth and Clap, my child."